Delta Burke vs Jane Austen, Cage Match

This is a hard entry to write, because now you're under the covers with me. I had zero intention of fessing up to what I ate last night because I still feel like a large bucket of crap for having made the decision I did.

Sun Tzu said, "If you know your opponent and yourself, you will never lose the battle." I'm taking this to heart. Scarlet cheeks of embarrassment and all. I need to know what is going on with me. And you're coming along for the ride.

Recap:

I skipped the gym last night, due to Female Issues. Inadequate preparation, although I had sailed through the last two days of Working Out Despite Female Issues. I had only consumed something ridiculously anorexic like 300 calories before dinner, and was wondering how I could get 1000 healthy calories in with a pouch that can hold a cup of food at a time. At night, I can eat much more because the band wakes up with coffee and tea and soup and relaxes by the evening – and I knew I was in trouble. Check out what I ate. I can’t even say it out loud.

So I pondered my choices on the drive home. I could just eat one of my South beach chicken-and-veggies meals, they’re good sized and I could stuff myself, but that would only be 270 calories. And I’d be uncomfortable and stretch the band. Good thing I didn’t go to the gym to burn off what I had already consumed, eh? I would still be practicing malnutrition, and I did not want to lose hair again. I could eat an individual pizza from Pizza Hut, the fat and calories would fit nicely, but I wasn’t in the mood. You see what I ended up with.

There is a voice in my head who cheers for Fat and Carbs (oh let's call her Delta Burke) who, last night, gained serious ground over my sensible Jane Austen self. Jane, who is my reserved, slightly shy, erring-on-the-side-of-demure-to-the-point-of-self-flagellation persona has been a welcome addition these past few years. She is what I want to be; analytical, patient, austerely yet delicately feminine, wise; but I was born to Delta.

When I try to be more Jane-like, I feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing, disguised for only so long before the scent of nearby deep fryers sends me into a frenzy. Then Delta bursts forth with fanfare and lights and party streamers.

With all due respect to the real Ms. Burke and Ms. Austen, these two ladies seem to embody the body-less personalities who have influence over my decisions. I see Delta as a plump, slightly devilish, irreverent best friend who is a Guru of Taste. I love her. And she is evil. And lord do I love being evil right along with her. She just has to look at a chocolate Munchkin, fix her light eyes on me, and nod. And I'm double fistin' those little sugary cakes into my pie hole

So Delta has been perched atop my chest for approximately three decades, swiftly ordering anything deep-fried, with extra cheese and a side of bleu cheese dressing. I didn't mind Delta so much; her taste was impeccable and I had the best time gaining a billion pounds. It was delicious. And when Jane showed up with her Mary Poppins white gloves and prim pillbox hat, I was at once overjoyed that sense had arrived, eager to get to know her, but left vaguely guilty at ignoring Delta.


Long and short of yesterday:

Many things contributed to the food fest. I was “off” from the gym, watching TV and bored, and psyched myself out. I need to be able to trust myself home alone with food. Next time I’m in this scenario, I’m going to choose – well – malnutrition over overeating. If I only get 800 calories for a day, I only get 800 calories. Wait! I’ll can just drink a soy protein shake to get another 500 in – damn, that would have been a good idea. That way I’m not stretching the band. :) Oohhhhh!!! I didn't expect an actual solution out of this.

All right. I’m now planned against this again. The final touch on the new plan: Eat the good stuff first til you’re bloated, if you must. The macaroni and cheese only whet my appetite for pizza, which I wasn’t in the mood for, if you recall.

Mac and cheese. The gateway food.

You won this time, Delta, but Jane and I have a new plan. Gym tonight, dinner out with a friend, and gym tomorrow. Big gym tomorrow since it's Saturday, we're going for a 700 calorie burn.